Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
