My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
