we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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