I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
