I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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