You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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