so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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