What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
