My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
there is glitter all over my balls
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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