saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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