I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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