You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Did I show you my penis last night?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
