My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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