Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
