i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
