Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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