Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
i think my cat just said my name.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
