hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
