So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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