I feel great
I just peed on a car
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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