Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
