Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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