The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
