ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
