it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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