I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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