life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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