please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
