Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
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Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
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Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.