My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing