she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
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you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
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I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.