Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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