I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
