According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
