Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
