Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My ATM looks so different sober.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
