Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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