I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
