pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
