my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Randomize
