Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
