Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
