So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
