i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
