I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
