I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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