I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
