Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We were destined to go to rehab together
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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