Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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