I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
