I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
