I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
