Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
