I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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