I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
